Everyone, I like potatoes.
Everyone, I really like potatoes.
There’s no special reason, nor do I have any special memories. I simply like potatoes.
There’s no need for you guys to think about this too much, the word potato doesn’t refer to anyone’s name, nor does it refer to the name of a cat or a dog. What I meant is literally what the word means: the plant – the beautiful and cute potato.
Call me a lunatic or claim that there’s a hole in my brain. I don’t really care. After all, I’ve heard it too many times…
However, reflected in my eyes are you humans, who have no idea of the charm of the potato. And to me, you’re pathetic.
Why’re you guys looking at me with such gentle glances? Do you think that I’m a retard?
Do you guys really not know about the true beauty of a potato?
All right then, let me give you guys a proper lesson, a lesson to those of you who’ve yet to receive the blessing from the Potato Goddess.
Potatoes have a petite and round body and underneath their sturdy looking exterior hides a smooth and tender skin with a golden and mature interior. It can satisfy all your biological needs, lolicon, siscon, and shotacon, all at once. What else do you guys need?
All potatoes are both unique and different. Although their exterior looks inconspicuous, their interior; their heart, are much kinder than the combination of all other categories of vegetables and fruits.
Typically, one potato sapling gives birth to around five to six [Sons of God]. They support each other in the soil. While enveloped by darkness, they band together against the ruthless attacks of the evil and greedy bugs, and they never abandon one another.
SEE?! Have you guys finally realized why? Why, potatoes are the ones that represent pure beauty and kindness in this world?
Ah, not good… I’m too emotional right now. This is just too moving!
I picked up a potato, as I wiped away the tear forming in my eyes.
Unfortunately, the villagers here don’t share my sentiments. Haha, this is ridiculous. They’re just too impervious to reason and don’t know right from wrong.
I’ve been living in this village for 6 years. All along, there’ve been curious children passing by, and would ask, “Why is that big brother lying on that heap of potatoes over there every day?”
Instead of telling them about the beauty of potatoes, the parents poison these young minds with cruel words about me and potatoes. “Shh… don’t look at him. If you get caught by him, you’ll be cursed, and will be turned into a potato!”
“Wah!” the cute and innocent little kids would scream and shout at the top of their lungs. They would show a frightened expression on their small faces, as they ran away from me hurriedly.
Of course, the innocent kids never would have doubt the words of their parents.
The parents succeeded with their lies, would immediately take their kids far away from me.
Wait a minute… What is this creepy curse they’re talking about?
Let’s take a step back, what’s wrong with turning into a potato?
Evil villagers… your hearts have been corrupted by the Demon King, and are unable to see the true beauty of this world. All the deeds you’ve done will be witnessed by the Potato Goddess. After your death, you’ll have the eternity to be in regret, because you will be unable to enter heaven, as you will be barred by the Potato Goddess.
In addition to these things, the most unbearable thing is that sometimes, when I’m spraying insecticides on my potatoes, some naughty kids will mock me loudly, as they throw things like stones, soil, glass shards, small knives, holy water, and other similar items at me.
Bastards! That’s dangerous! What do you think will happen if you interrupt me and lower the yield of my harvest?! Will you be willing to bear the responsibility? Will you believe me if I say I’ll bury you guys into the ground and make you all return as a part of nature, and be turn into nutrients for the Gods?
Seriously… If I got distracted, I might caused the entire plot of potatoes to wither and die! That’s the same as a massacre. What’s the difference between your actions and the actions of the Demon King?
However, in the end, all this can only be the fault of the parents. Under the influence and teachings of their parents, these sad kids become disrespectful towards potatoes.
A lack of respect towards potatoes will get you to be beheaded!
Don’t you guys know? Within each potato, there lies a goddess residing inside? If you’re kind to them, they’ll grant you good luck and safety for a lifetime.
The leader of the children who enjoy throwing things at me, is a brat called Wu De and he is the son of the village head. This little devil has been visiting my place every day from the age of 10 until he was 16 years old, regardless of the weather. Even if there is no one following him, he will still come to my place all by himself to look for trouble with me.
Don’t tell me this kid is actually in love with me? The kind of love that was absolutely forbidden? I’m so sorry, but my sexuality is quite normal you see… thus, I’m unable to reciprocate to your feelings.
If your gender does not fall under the potato category, I will never respond to your confession.
I sat on my heap of potatoes alone in the sun holding up an umbrella. Looking at my potato seedlings growing slowly and never allowing anyone to sully this holy perch.
I will represent the God of Potato and murder those who dare to step foot onto this holy land. Even if I’m just a potato farmer, I’m still a man of my word.
After such a long introduction, I believe you guys have now understood my point. Even though my occupation is a farmer, but as a matter of fact, you can also hail me as the hero of this world.
A medium sized potato is enough to feed a grown man for a full day. And up until now, I have grown at least a hundred thousand potatoes. That is to say, my contribution is sufficient to feed thousands of people every day.
Ah… When I think about it this way, I am really proud of myself. Maybe I really am a great and noble man, maybe the king will write a letter to thank me for my hard work tomorrow.
These past few days have been quite peaceful, even though the demon race is still ravaging through the lands of this world.
Obviously, if there is a Demon King, that meant that there will also be the existence of heroes. However, even though the demon king has long been killed, every year there are still tens of thousands of people signing up to become adventurers.
They would travel towards the demon continent and try to defeat the non-existent demon king.
During this period, the adventurers remaining in the villages would do next to nothing, at most they would exterminate a few demon beasts that are of no threat. Every year, there are still countless villages suffering from threat of the demon beasts.
Yes. They only cared about adventuring on the demon continent, seeking fortune and glory while scoffing at the danger present in their own country. At the end, they would say things like “We have vanquished thousands of demon beasts in the demon continent! Be grateful! Hail us as heroes!” or something along this line.
Sigh… I’m just complaining a little.
In truth, I kind of like the adventurers.
The adventurers use their strength to bring peace to the world, while us farmers support them from behind the scenes with delicious food.
This is the underlying law of this world.
I’m satisfied with the days of farming potatoes, I don’t want to be an adventurer.
Even as a potato farmer, I have a dream.
One day, I will bring recognition to the potatoes in front of me on the world stage! I will build a religion centering around potatoes and bring world peace!
That’s right! And on that day… Ouch! It hurts!
As I was lying down on my heap of potatoes daydreaming, a heavy blow landed on top of my head.
As I covered my head, which was in great pain with my hands, I stared in front of me with tearful eyes and saw a long haired girl.
A reddish-brown ponytail cascaded down to her hips, eyes that shone brightly and full of life, a pretty face and a seducing body, she represented the symbol of beauty in the eyes of all men alike.
A violent personality and easily agitated, she liked to strike at people once triggered. And yet the villagers let it pass because she is the village’s number 1 beauty.
Seriously, are the villagers here all secretly masochists?
There’s rumors that hundreds of people have proposed for her hand in marriage every year, even a few aristocrats from far away.
Seriously, are the people in this country all secretly masochistic?
Unfortunately, her gender is not potato so I will pass.
“What are you doing?” For the time being, I carefully expressed my discontentment using a low voice.
“You still dare to ask me? Haven’t you see what you have filled in on this form?” The shrew came up to me angrily stuffing a piece of paper in my face.
Dangerous! I was almost blinded by that.
“Form? What form… Oh, you mean that?” I sat up right on the pile of potatoes and pondered for a second, before remembering what the shrew was talking about.
In short, every few years in the country region I live in, Eastern Magic Alliance, there would be a periodic selection for adventurers, who would act as a reserve army, as preparation for the fight against the demon king after his resurrection.
Young men, who were between 16 to 25 years of age, had to submit their information to the responsible official of their region and afterwards the adventurer guild would send men to each region for further inspection.
Those who pass the requirement would be given a C-rank adventurer title, whereas those who failed would be given the title Reserve adventurer.
In other words, this meant that everyone would unconditionally become Adventurers~
Is the brain of this country king filled with tomatoes? His brain is full of liquid. (TL note: Author meant the king’s brain is useless.)
As for the responsible official of our village, she was this woman, the village head’s daughter, the number 1 beauty of this village, the high and mighty Di Yana.
Please don’t be mistaken, this was basically the third time that we had spoken with each other. The first time I was informed to fill in this form. The second time was when handing in this form. As such, there is no possibility of a romantic past.
I might as well say, between the two of us, I’m the one that had an [injured past] from her.
“See for yourself, the jokes that are written on this form. Do you any idea of the severity of this document?”
Of course, I know… to seriously make all the people of this country to become Adventurers, this kind of seriousness really made one scared.
“Let me read it out for you.” Holding the form with both her hands, like reciting a lovely poem, Di Yana started to read out the wonderful words written by me.
“Name: Fa’mu Potato…”
However, after finishing the first sentence she abruptly stopped and stared at me like an eagle staring her prey.
“…Continue? Why did you stop? Is something wrong?”
“Why are you the one with the puzzled look on your face? The one that’s puzzled should be me!” Di Yana growled and proficiently picked up a stone from the ground, before throwing it at me without any hesitation.
Ah… I finally remembered. She was the sister of Wu De, and has thrown stones at me in the past!
“What did you not understand? Is something wrong with my name?” I retorted, while using my arms to block the stones that she was throwing at me. However, how could this fragile body of mine withstand against the barrage of those evil stones? But I wouldn’t surrender under such an abuse of authority.
“What’s the deal with your surname being Potato?”
“Is there a problem with Potato being my surname?”
“… You, you’re simply unreasonable.”
“What do you mean unreasonable? As a man, one must have the mentality to be willing to sacrifice everything of his to the love of his life. If you can’t even forsake yourself, can you still call yourself a man? Isn’t it normal that if I love potatoes, my surname will be Potato? If you can’t even understand such simple logic… What kind of pitiful woman are you then?” Although I’ve said such words with confidence, I had already prepared myself to defend against the heavy blows that were about to come from Di Yana.
“Isn’t your brain the one that is pitiful? I really have lost to you.” Di Yana gave out a long sigh, as she was apparently too lazy to hit me anymore. With an expression of a headache, she continued, “The fact that your surname is Potato can be overlooked, but the following is the most problematic part.”
“Hmph… I’m curious to hear what is also not to your liking.”
Seeing as Di Yana didn’t kill me just now, I recovered some confidence and crossed my arms, while sitting on my potato heap, listening to her lovely voice.
“Gender: Male Age: 19
Married Spouse Name: Dolly Freya, Anna Dia… (Total 548 names)”
Hehehe… listening to someone else calling the names of my wives was kind of embarrassing. I shyly scratched the back of my tilted head and giggled.
However, Di Yana seemed to be angry about this, no, you could call her irrational now.
“… What the hell have you written! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”
After only reading a few lines of the pages that were filled with my wives’ names, Di Yana was fed up. Growling with all her might, she tore apart my short white hair, and pressed the form against my face, using her knee to kick towards my jaw, making me regret being born in this world.
I understood now… This was a trial that the God of Potato had prepared for me. If I could endure through this – HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO ENDURE THIS?!
“OUCH! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! I’m going to die! And bald! Even if I’m bald, I won’t become strong so please stop now!” [TL note: One pun man.]
“HUH? After tearing your hair out, you can finally allow this moldy brain of yours to bask in the sunlight, right?” My desperate pleas had no effect on Di Yana and instead, they had the opposite effect on her. She forcefully continued to tear my hair out, as she was seemingly determined to tear my scalp away along with the hair.
“Sorry! It’s all my fault! I apologize! Please stop!”
I had no idea what I had done to provoke Di Yana, but now was definitely the right time to apologize.
“Hu… Fine… It’s fine if you know where you are wrong, so stop joking around. You’re single, right? Write down the facts.” Di Yana let go of me and passed me the form, exasperating heavily with beads of sweat flowing down her white skin onto the ground. Meanwhile, she was looking at me as if I was a retard who was only good for rolling around in a pile of potatoes.
“Obviously…” I curled up in the shape of a potato on the ground and said in a low voice.
“Did you say something?” Di Yana questioned me, as she didn’t clearly hear my small mumbling just now, with a savage look in her eyes.
“Like I said… I’m obviously married… with all my wives… lovingly…”
As if she had not seen such a shameless person before, Di Yana’s anger was reaching a boiling point, but she still managed to restrain herself from going berserk.
“Oh? Where? Where are your so-called 548 wives?”
“There they are, they are my harem, total numbering 548 of them.” I pointed at the heap of potatoes below me, as I spoke with a justified, yet slightly angry, voice.
“You…” With a dark face, almost like she was accumulating her anger value so as to unleash her ultimate move on me, Di Yana’s whole body was trembling.
“I’m wrong!” A feeling of enlightenment suddenly hit me and my face suddenly turned serious.
“You finally understand…” Di Yana broke into a gentle smile, as she was under the impression that I had finally attained enlightenment from my moldy brain. But her smile soon became frozen at my next sentence.
“Yesterday…I seem to have eaten Lian Sai… Sorry, I only have 547 wives left now.”
“You ate… your wife?”
“Yup! I love her, she’s delicious.”
“Wah!” I shrieked, as my nose almost got broken off from my handsome face by the flying kick that Di Yana had launched. Luckily, however, because she was wearing a farmer’s long skirt, my line of sight followed her voluptuous white leg upwards and finally saw her panties.
They were white.
Since it wasn’t the pattern of potatoes, there wasn’t much to be seen.
Yup, it was time to erase that from my memories.
Like she had had enough of my antics, Di Yana took out another form and gave me the last warning. “Fill this form in properly! When I come by tomorrow, I don’t want to hear any more things about potatoes! I only want to know the THINGS ABOUT YOU!”
What… was that a confession of love just now? What a daring confession…
But like I said, I won’t accept your feelings. Neither you nor your brother is a potato.
So before I dump you two, you two should give up. Or else, the ones that would be hurt in the end would be you.
Stomping angrily, Di Yana left my potato sanctuary. What a shy child. No wonder she was so angry looking at the love between me and my wives. Was her heart in pain being so close to me, yet unable to obtain my love?
But what’s really in pain is… my face.