那些年我们弄死的白莲花 Those Years When We Killed the White Lotus – Extra 1
Below is the extra for Arc 1. This was found inserted at the last chapter of Arc 3 so please take note that LZH still doesn’t know anything about Su Mo during Arc 2 or early of Arc 3. I asked the translator (who is picking up this novel) for this extra because starting from Arc 3, most of the chapters would be in 9k word count. I reckon the translator might take some time to reach the end of Arc 3 so it’s better for me to translate this extra for Arc 1 now.
One more thing, I want to talk about the ending for this Arc. Note that the author was not feeling very good about this Arc but he/she decided to brave on since he/she has already written and published it up to this point. Things will get better in later arcs.
If my memories didn’t fail me, Arc 1 should be the only BE (bad ending). But that aside, I need to once again stress that this novel is not as tame as ‘Quickly Wear the Mask of the Devil’. And Arc 4 is the weirdest of ‘em all. If anyone wants a suggestion, I would suggest breezing through Arc 4 with just summaries but that depends on your translator. That’s all folks~
Extra on Su Mo’s perspective (Not sweet, cautious)
My name is Su Mo. Where did this name come from? I am not sure, I only remembered my father reminded me again and again since I’m young. That ‘Mo’ represents indifference and apathetic. Those in high positions (in the society) do not need feelings, excessive feelings can only become a burden. If I ever did something wrong one day that is harmful to the interests of the family, he will definitely drive me out of the house. At the same time, if he did something wrong one day, I will drive him out of the house without mercy. In his eyes, the Su Family is everything, and we (both me and him) are just a tool to make the Su Family flourish. That’s all.
At times like these, Mother will stand behind Father and look at him with sad eyes. When I was young, I didn’t understand what it means. After I grew up, I gradually realized that Mother has feelings for Father. As I grow older, perhaps it’s because of Father’s teaching, I became more and more not understanding of feelings. However at times like these, Mother would always calls me to her room. She would hold me and cries over and over again, but never say anything. Later on, I realized that Mother acted like this because she really loved Father. Even my status in her heart is far less than my father. But then, she doesn’t want me to become another machine without feelings. That’s why she cried while holding me.
And the turning points for all these was that time Father got drunk. Father was obviously got schemed against, but it was settled in private in the end. However, that woman was not willing to let go of the ‘golden turtle’1. Once in 2 or 3 days, she would come to the house and make trouble with Mother. Father just closed one eyes because of the Su Family’s face.
It’s just that that woman is too naive, she was just an illegitimate daughter. No benefit to Father’s business at all, how can Father divorce Mother to marry a woman who has no use to him? In the end although things were settled, a scar has been left in Mother’s heart. Everyone sees that they have mutual respect in a marriage between the two of them. But only I know, that they are simply detached. After that time, Mother began to take part in the Father’s teaching for me.
Mother’s request was very simple. If I really want to marry someone in the future, even if it’s a business marriage for the family benefit, he need to try to love each other; don’t hurt an innocent person. And there’s one more thing, that is he can’t get intimate with anyone before he gets married. Mother said, if you really loved someone, you would want to keep yourself pure for that person. You would want to make that person as your only one, no matter from which perspective.
Looking at Mother’s sad look, I nodded without thinking. Until many years later, I even felt fortunate that I promised my mother that year. Otherwise, it would be the regret of my life. Mother’s request looked very simple, but later on I knew it’s actually difficult to do so because Father won’t allow me to do that. On the day of my 18th birthday, Father sent a girl to my bed.
That girl looked very pure and also very cute too. Even if you don’t tell me, I know that she must be very clean as well. She was so clean that she probably never dated even once. But she managed to shyly took off her clothes right front of me. Looking at her, I knew that Father must have promised her something. But I guessed that promise would be very different from what she imagined. Finally, I shook my head. Facing her pale face, I didn’t feel moved, not even the slightest. I just sat on the bed and looked at her indifferently, hoping that she could retreat. After my father’s teaching2 for so many years, my heart has long been cold to the point that it won’t beat(emotionally) anymore. However, what I didn’t expect was the fact that she would do ‘that’. Though she was shaking, she still rushed towards me. That ‘I’m so pitiful’ face really disgusted me. A layer of goosebumps rose at the place where she touched me. In the end, I left slamming the door.
That night, I didn’t return home but went to the bar that I opened with my buddies instead. When I returned home the next day, Father nodded with satisfaction while looking at my clothes that have some folds on it3. Then he told me that it’s alright to play around, just that he should never take anyone home. What the Su Family needs is absolute assistance4.
I nodded and quickly returned to my room. Taking off my clothes, I splashed hot water all over my body, finally cleaning away the disgusting feeling caused by that girl’s touch. After that, I found out that my mysophobia5 is getting worse. I would keep rinsing the part that came in contact with other people even though it’s a normal contact with a normal person.
As time goes by, I cannot make myself agree with Father’s thoughts anymore. At the same time, I understood that I’m not a ‘son’ in his heart but the heir of the Su Family; a tool to help the Su Family expand.
In order to satisfy Father, I began to act ‘fickle’. The woman around me has never stayed more than a week. Although Father was not satisfied with my actions, in his heart he thought it was better than infatuation. He was very afraid that his heir would become a coward who only likes beauty and not power.
Turning off the light, one night of body entangled together then the next morning, a wad of banknotes on the table. After that is a breakup scene. Those people who said they loved me probably never know that the person in the bed was not me. Just when I thought that I would live my life in a boring way forever, the appearance of one person broke all my calmness.
It was just a glimpse in the campus, but I felt my heart beating for the first time. I don’t care even if he is a man. I said that I won’t play men before, that was my bottom line. But right now I found out that everything6 becomes meaningless when facing him. No, maybe it’s incorrect to say it like that. Towards him, I don’t want to play around, I truly wanted his whole life.
I heard someone say this before, if you really fell in love with someone, everything else no longer matters. Because falling in love with that person’s soul, no matter that person is a male or female, one would be able to feel the feeling of heart beating. At that time, I sneered at that thought. Falling in love with someone’s soul? Who can be so infatuated? But when I met that person, I also want to express my feelings once. I knew it at that moment, that person has really touched my heart. Even if one day his face is completely destroyed, I could still look at him and tell him that I love his soul. Everything else is not important.
But eventually, I found a problem. I can disregard his gender, and I can love him without caring for anything. But will he(LZH) really accept this feeling? This feeling reached its apex at my birthday party, when I watched him walking slowly with a woman. I realized that I can get jealous as well, jealous that someone could stand beside him right in the open, no need to hide anything. After that, I managed to investigate his identity and knew that he is the Second Young master of the Lin Family. I even faced off his Big brother in order to get nearer to him.
Facing that underground Emperor for the first time, I didn’t feel any fear. There was a feeling of boiling blood even. Though he has warned me, it has no way to stop my advance. I threatened him back instead, to get him to compromise. After his brother left, I thought I was crazy. I was poisoned with something called Lin Zisheng, if I don’t get the antidote, I might destroy everything.
After that, with his Big brother’s acquiescence, I took him to the Christmas ball. Looking at the woman called Bai Wei confessing to him, I finally couldn’t help it and did something very regretful.
Under the impulse, I confessed to him. Seeing his angry expression after he heard my confession, I experienced the feeling of regret for the first time. I even felt fear, fearing that he will never care about me anymore after I have revealed my feelings. But the result was a bit better than I thought. Although I was beaten blue by him, I still felt very happy. At least this means he will not hide from me anymore in the future.
Then, the relationship between me and him finally got closer. Just when I thought I could finally reap the harvest, Father called me home. He knew about me and Zisheng and ordered me to stay away from him. I know that he actually wanted to make Zisheng completely disappear, just that him was unable to do so due to Zisheng’s identity. So he thought to fix this from my side.
My answer must have exceeded his expectations because I saw his disbelief face the moment he heard me rejecting him. More than two decades of obedience made him thought that he had me in his hands, and now, my resistance let him unable to adapt. He even wanted to evict me from the family. However, he did not know that such threats were of no use to me anymore as I have started my own business a long time ago. ‘A crafty rabbit has three burrows’, he was the one who taught me this but he has forgotten about this himself.
The thing that happened next made me very agitated. That woman called Bai Wei dared to drug Zisheng, she really don’t know life and death! In the end, I didn’t get to take action but with Zisheng’s Big brother settling the matter, it should be more than satisfactory ba.
Just that when I thought this time I could really reap the harvest, Bai Wei actually appeared again. Looking at the car that is about to hit Zisheng, I don’t know how I rushed over but when I was hit by the car, I didn’t feel any pain. I even felt somewhat glad, because I could finally protect him. It’s also at that time that I realized that there really someone out there who could let him give up everything, including his own life.
Looking at the slightly dilapidated wooden doors in front of me, I gently pushed it open and as expected, saw the smiles of two old people.
“Xiao Mo ah, we are bothering you again. That child Xiao Sheng is really something, letting you run here and there for so many years. It’s really hard for you.”
Although they were saying Zisheng being bad, I could still feel the joy in the elders’ voice. These two old people are Zisheng’s grandparents, and Zisheng grew up in this place. Of course, this was what Lin Zifeng told me. After knew about it, I would always come to visit the elders during holiday season. At the same time, I would look at the place where Zisheng used to lived in.
After putting away the gifts to the elders, I went to the room he stayed before according to my memory. His room is just like his person himself, carried a thick sense of indifference and yet, inadvertently carries a temperature that would warm people’s heart.
“Xiao Mo, I knew you would go to Xiao Sheng’s room again. Let’s go, we go down to eat ba.”
Grandpa saw me standing dazedly in the room and patted my shoulder.
“Grandpa, I’m not eating. Zisheng is still waiting for me to go back.” I shook my head.
Actually I don’t want to leave City A at all if it wasn’t necessary. Because leaving City A means leaving Zisheng.
Hearing what I said, Grandpa became silent. After a long while, he said to me with tears in his eyes, “Xiao Mo ah, it’s already 10 years. Xiao Sheng has been dead for 10 years. Actually, I have always know about this but looking at your happy expression, I don’t know how to say it out. But child, it’s already 10 years. You have done enough, don’t trap yourself forever in your memories.”
“Grandpa, I am leaving first. I will come to see you next time.” I went away like I’m escaping when I heard what Grandpa said.
It’s already 10 years. In the past 10 years, no one dared to tell me that Zisheng is gone. I tried hard to live like how I used to live. Preparing two sets of servings during meal, leaving half of the bed out when I go to sleep. Everything was as if Zisheng was still there, sometimes I could even feel Zisheng is around me. However, today Grandpa said it to my face that my beloved person is no longer here. The person I am willing to give my life for is gone. Doesn’t that means… the meaning of my life is gone?
When I returned to City A, it’s already afternoon and the sky was drizzling. For the first time ever, I went to the cemetery. I want to see Zisheng. For 10 years, I have been deceiving myself. I didn’t come even once to see him, not sure if he would be angry with me?
Lin Zifeng was a bit stunned to see me at the cemetery, “You finally can face the reality?”
I didn’t answer his question, I just glanced at him and let him leave because right now I want to be alone with Zisheng. Lin Zifeng seems to understand my intention very well, he pulled the Lin Zihui who was reluctant to leave with him and left. Right now, I am the only one left in the cemetery. I stood in front of Zisheng’s grave and suddenly felt a little cold and a little lonely. And Zisheng has been staying here alone for 10 years, will his loneliness becomes even stronger?
Everyone thought I won’t wake up from the accident 10 years ago, and I laid in bed for 2 whole years without knowing anything. However, when I woke up, I found out that the whole world has changed. And the person I have been desperately trying to save has left this world. Lin Zifeng told me that Zisheng killed himself for my love but I never thought to have Zisheng do that for me. I gave my everything to save him not for his gratitude, but just so that he won’t die with me. And I also hoped that he could live on well, even if I won’t be able to accompany him in the future.
When I first received the news, I cannot accept it at all. To the point that I keep deceiving myself for the next 8 years; lying to myself that Zisheng is still alive.
“Zisheng, I have come to see you. I haven’t seen you for such a long time, are you angry with me?”
Looking at the photo on the tombstone, and that pair of bright eyes, I suddenly felt like Zisheng has always stayed at my side, never left at all.
“Sorry ah, I keep forgetting that you are gone because I always had the feeling that you are by my side. I couldn’t even feel the time passing by. When I woke up from it, it’s already 10 years later.”
“Now I am getting old and ugly, not sure if you could still recognize me?”
I tried my best to smile but my tears couldn’t stop flowing down, “I was originally older than you. Now I’m much more older than you, will you despise me? But even if you despised me, you are not allowed to throw me aside. Because in this world, I have nothing else except you.”
“Zisheng, I will go to accompany you now. So, don’t be angry anymore. Even if you are angry, it’s fine to give me a beating. Just don’t be like now, you have been hiding for 10 years and not let me find you.”
The muzzle is aimed at my temple. Lin Zifeng said it before, that Zisheng killed himself just like that with a gunshot in the temple. Right now, to be able to use the gun he used before, and die the same way as he did, it’s already the greatest happiness to me…
Banana: Alright, it ended. Now, you just have to wait for the other translator to finish her translation. I will update the next button link when it’s available. Thanks guys~!