Potatoes are the only thing that’s needed in this world! Chapter 3

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Chapter 3

Do you guys know the classic story of [head hanging on a beam, awl poking bum ]?  (TL’s note: An idiom to describe studying assiduously and tirelessly.)

If not, let me explain it to everyone.

A long, long time ago, there was a youth that adored potatoes.

To become a potato master, he worked hard to learn about everything concerning potatoes.

However, blocking his path towards seeking that knowledge lies a tremendous enemy.

The enemy is like a huge mountain stopping all forward attempts in his road.

And that mountain is the evil clutches of Di Yana.

Ah, wait… this is not the story of the youth.

Cough…cough. Let me start all over again.

A long, long time ago, there was a youth that adored potatoes.

To become a potato master, he worked hard to learn about everything concerning potatoes.

However, blocking his path towards seeking that knowledge lied a tremendous enemy.

The enemy was like a huge mountain stopping all forward attempts in his road.

And that is the devil called “sleepiness.”

The devil seeks to ruin the youth incessantly, preventing him from learning the world’s most valuable knowledge.

As a result, the diligent and assiduous youth decided to tie his hair with a rope hanging on a house beam and stuck nail-shaped potatoes into his legs to fight against the sleepiness. (Basically a device where if one nod off sleeping his hair got pulled by the rope and feels pain)

And at last, he was able to completely win against the mountain.

This is the story of [the old man moving mountains] (An idiom to describe where there’s a will, there’s a way)

What? Something’s amiss? I don’t care anymore.

Don’t ask me why I know this story.

Anyway, the reason I would mention this story is simple.

That’s because the situation that I’m in now is somewhat similar to the story.

Di Yana’s right hand is grabbing my hair while her left hand is choking my neck from the back. This puts me rigidly in place beside the desk and I’m forced to write that adventurer information form. 

If my hand movement stops ever so slightly, even if only by a little, she would use her fingernails to carve and dig into the neck muscle from my back without any hesitation. As if she wants to pull out a little man that lived in my nape. (Reference to Attack on Titans) At the same time, I’ve no idea why is she so obsessed with my poor white hair like a frenzied demon seemingly wanting to pull them out one strand at a time and keep them as collectibles.

Simply put, I’ve already lost all of the joy and freedom of my life.

Where’s the human rights? Doesn’t the country of Eastern Magic Alliance have something called human rights?

“Hurry up and write… don’t you run around all over the place… if you don’t finish writing this form, don’t bother thinking about leaving this place for your entire life.” A low husky voice sounded from Di Yana’s throat, making the temperature of the surrounding air fall by more than 10 degrees, there’s even white mist stemming out.

Recalling the incident just before, I can only feel a sense of helplessness in my lamentable life more and more.

In the first place, I was going to complete the form at my place before I got aggroed by Wu De and chased him around half the village. And just at the moment where I was going to catch up with him, I got dropped to the ground by Di Yana’s attack. Mistaking me for not writing the form, she dragged me to the living room of the village head like some sort of war trophy. And finally, I am contained in this place like some criminal that is wicked beyond redemption, removing my rights to freedom and mocked at by Wu De ‘s laugh. 

What is this? S&M Prison Play? Have the love of this woman and her brother finally reach the point of desire where they wish to imprison me forever? That is to say, for the rest of my life I’m unable to express my love and endearment to potatoes and indulge in sensual pleasures with them anymore? 

I gasped as the thought of it sent a chill up my spine. 

No! 

Please save me! Potato Goddess! Your most loyal servant is now suffering under the tyranny of the evil iron fisted demon. 

The speed of my writing decreases as my thoughts are running wild. Instantaneously, Di Yana’s keen eyes have caught on to it and 2 acute pains are transmitted to me from my scalp and the back of my neck at the same time. 

“Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! My nape muscle is almost gone! It’s almost gone! Even if you pull it out, I will not shrink any more! (reference to attack on titan) I cried and increase my hand speed in my struggling state. And only then, did Di Yana decrease the force of her grip. 

Shoot… the force she used just now can easily crush a boulder. 

It’s you right? The hero that killed the demon king a few years ago should be you right Di Yana da ren? (Da ren is a respectful tone to address someone)

There is nothing to be done but to focus all my energy on this hateful form.

The form consists of two parts. The first part asked about basic information while the second part contains some weird things.

Sorry, let me correct myself. 

The second part is asking about some incomprehensible rubbish questions. 

[Question 48: When you are eating, do you eat vegetables or meat first?]

What if potatoes are the only things I eat? How am I supposed to know which should I eat first? Are you looking down on poor people having only potatoes as food? Moreover, does it even matter whether I eat vegetables or meat first?

What does it have to do with being an adventurer? 

For now, under Di Yana’s abuse, I changed my original answer from [potato] to [vegetables]. 

[Question 49: If there’s four copper coins in your left hand, six copper coins in your right hand and the cost of staying in the inn is one copper coin per night. How many nights can you stay?]

I’ve seen people insult my personality and my love towards potatoes, but I have not once received insults to my intelligence with such a question. 

Thus, I wrote down the answer [⑨]. 

Next, I got choked by Di Yana. 

Lastly, I wrote down 10 nights while crying.

[Question 50: What is the magical chant for Advance magic – Fiery Dragon Fist?]

……   

How is a potatoes farmer supposed to know this? Isn’t the difficulty curve of the questions increasing too fast? 

Hence, I honestly wrote down the answer “I don’t know” and got some of my hair pulled out by Di Yana. 

This is the end! I’ve lost faith in this cruel world! 

Hey! even if you turn me into a bald, what I don’t know, I still won’t knowwww… Ahhhhh…… Stop pulling! 

Hearing my thoughts that were howled out from my mouth, Di Yana’s has a look that could not believe my words and in turn starts to question me. “Even if it is the highest tier magic [Flame tornado spell], isn’t the incantation well-known to everyone? Especially in the Eastern Magic Alliance, even a three-year-old toddler will know the chant?”

“Huh? Is there such a thing? How come I have never heard of it?”

“You don’t believe? If you don’t, I can ask Wu De to recite the chant right here and now.” Di Yana finally releases her grasp on my hand and points at Wu De that was watching us from the sidelines. 

“Fine? Let’s call him.” 

Like I will believe that the brat who only knows how to make the sound “Jie” have the slightest chance of reciting this seemingly complex magic. 

With a face full of confidence, Wu De sneered as he walked towards my side with his arms crossed, opened his mouth as if he was cracking a joke. “Jie Jie Jie Jie Jie Jie Jie…Jie Jie Jie Jie Jie Jie Jie Jie Jie Jie Jie Jie Jie Jie.”

?

???

Inside the room, the three of us have vastly different looks on our face. 
Wu De has a look that is proud of himself whereas Di Yana has full on unleashed her brocon with a broken smile full of satisfaction, even letting drool come out. 

Finally, there’s me, deep in thoughts filled with doubts and truly puzzled. My eyebrows wrinkled like a raisin, my mouth opened widely like a fish gasping for air when it’s out of the water. I even start to question the meaning of life. If I am a spring field, there should be at least over a hundred flowers blooming with the shape [?]. 

“How…Hu…Hu…Toad yu that my brother knows how to recite the spell.” 

Hurry up and wipe away your drool! How can I possibly make out what you are saying when your voice is flooded with your overflowing drool? 

Well… I can hear it, although just barely. 

Refusing to accept this, I roared at Di Yana and Wu De. “Did you say that actually was the incantation of “Flame tornado? Isn’t it simply the laughter of a Demon King?

“This is the incantation. Reportedly, the spell [Flame Tornado] originated from a few hundred years ago as the Demon King strongest secret. Before unleashing it, there should be a large          shout Jie Jie Jie Jie Jie…Jie Jie Jie Jie Jie Jie Jie Jie Jie!!! Afterward, the elder magicians of the Eastern Magic Alliance imitated the chant and recorded this incantation down.”

Did I guess it right? This is definitely not an incantation! Sure enough, this is just the laughter of the demon king, right? Why do all the citizens of this country have some screws loose in their brains? Did the elder magician’s skull have a hole smashed by a potato? 

What’s more, Wu De, this brat, has been trying to unleash [Flame Tornado] at me? Is it not enough just to throw stones at me, now you are going to use the Demon King’s strongest secret to terminate me? 

I’ve had enough! Today, I am going to…

Bang!!!! 

Suddenly, there’s a dull bang coming from the second floor above us. While shocked, the 3 of us tilt our head towards the source of the sound. 

That was an image of the harbinger of death. 

Ah, no. That was just the old ex-village chief using his clutch to knock on the floor. The elder, already past the age of 80, with plentiful life experience is Di Yana and Wu De’s grandfather

“Silence!

With a voice emitting an imposing and serious tone, deep within the elder’s eyes shows a powerful glance as if he is the savior of the world. Walking down slowly but loudly, we don’t dare to move a bit. 

As he was going to walk out from the living room door, at the last second, the elder faced us with his gigantic back and spoke softly to us. “The fur coat that is worth a thousand gold is not made only with the white fur under a fox armpit!” (Idiom to describe the ruling of a country requires the power of many talented people.)

After that, he left the living room and left us. 

Huh? What? This old man is quite interesting.

Now that I remembered, he seems to have contracted amnesia last year. 


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